During the last four years of discovering program and working through my therapy, it has become clear that my view of self is suffering. Was it the years of hearing how much a prude I am? Hearing how I don’t know how to love? Having someone cheat on me, always blaming me for driving him off? Driving him into someone else’s arms because I didn’t know how to love him. Was it how when I was growing up, I watched my mother going from relationship to relationship thinking it must be us kids who ruin it? She was great, she was love-able, so why didn’t it last? Was it because when I was teenager, I would gladly take attention from anyone willing to give it? Friends, friends boyfriends, didn’t matter who. If you showed interest in me, I was interested in you. The attention felt good, made me feel like I was important to someone. Afterwards, when they weren’t interested any more I was devastated. What had I done wrong? What was wrong with me?
In an effort to figure out where my struggles really come from and how I truly feel about myself, I am going to write out 50 things that I think about myself and 50 things that I thought about myself as Sebastians partner. Yes, this is an assignment, go with it.
What I like about me
- Kind.
- Generous.
- Trusting, sometimes to a fault.
- Always eager to learn.
- Appreciate what I have. The grass is not greener.
- Welcoming. The more the merrier.
- Warm.
- Cuddling is a favorite pasttime.
- Fond of reading, both fiction and non-fiction.
- Always looking for more recipes to expand my cooking knowledge.
- Organized.
- Clean.
- Independent.
- Strong willed.
- Willing to stand up for those who need assistance.
- Gives to charity.
- PRIDE advocate.
- Open minded to cultures, beliefs, and personal choices.