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Definition of fear

 1a: an unpleasant often strong emotion caused by anticipation or awareness of danger

After 4.5 years of S-Anon recovery, I have come to realize how much FEAR and anxiety has ruled my life and every decision that I’ve made. It took working my 12-steps, professional therapy for years and true examination of myself to come to this realization. I can let the fear go. Holding on to fear had allowed me to make poor decisions with the internal knowledge that “I have no choice, or bad things will happen.” This is just not true. I have every choice and opportunity to make a decision not based on what could go wrong but based only on my present needs and knowledge that it’s the right decision for me, for now.

Examples of how fear has led to major life decisions:

  • I should never allow myself to get too real with anyone because everyone leaves eventually. This thought drove all of my personal relationship decisions including family and friends. I had friends who didn’t treat me well, lied and gossiped behind my back and constantly used me to further their own wants. Instead of confronting these friends and standing up for myself, I pretended that it was ok. I pretended that it was funny, or no big deal. In truth, I was hurt and humiliated and never let anyone see it.
  • I’m not enough, I have to offer more. Fearing that I would never be smart enough, or pretty enough, or make enough money or be a good enough mom kept me in a number of bad situations. Bad jobs, bad friendships, bad apartments. I couldn’t leave a job that I hated, had no future in, because what if no one else will hire me? I couldn’t leave a crappy apartment because, it’s the best I can do and I was too intimidated to look anywhere else. I can’t be a single parent and raise happy kids, someone has to help me. These were daily self-reminders that someone else was going to need to come save me.
  • Even if he cheats on me, all of the time, I can’t leave because no one else will want me. This was the big one. Thinking that only this one person was willing to be with me, willing to love me and that I had to put up with and hold onto him with everything I had or else I’d be alone. Be constantly humiliated, betrayed and abused…or be alone. FEAR.

Future Events Aren’t Real

After three years in program I was completing my step 5: Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs. Working this step, I came to see how much my own internal fear had held me back. Kept me from being happy. This was a concept placed in my brain at a very young age, FEAR. To fear the future and to focus on only what could go wrong instead of trusting that a good decision for me, right now, is the only thing that I can know for sure. Good decisions lead to good outcomes. If I can trust myself, know that I’m making this decision based on a true internal knowledge of what is good for me, then good results are natural. If I don’t trust myself, base my decisions on the “what if” game, then I am not being true to myself and most likely the outcome will lead to further heartache. I will one day wake up and say “What the hell happened?”

Letting go of the fear was a process. I didn’t just wake up one day and say, “Oh damn I should really stop that.” I had to do a lot of self reflection and admit some things that were really hard to say.

  • I am afraid of being alone.
  • I am afraid of my kids growing up feeling like they’re not good enough.
  • I am afraid that if I leave him, no one else will want me.
  • I am afraid that I stand up for myself, everyone will leave.
  • I am afraid to let go of the life that I have and start all over again.
  • I am afraid of failing.
  • I am afraid of my children thinking that I didn’t try hard enough to save my marriage.
  • I am afraid that I won’t ever be happy.

After I faced these fears. I had to accept that they weren’t real. I had to accept that they were placed in my head by myself. I was the one repeating them, inside, daily. There was no one in my life saying these things to me. My children never said that they were unhappy, or that I was a bad mother. My real friends never told me to just accept my sad life and shut up. My friends, family and children knew that I deserved more. Knew that I was worth more. Once I accepted that my fears were just my own playlist in my head, I started to let go. I am worth love. I am worth respect. I am worth more.

It hasn’t been easy, it has come with some grieving for what I thought my life would be but I wouldn’t go back. I am stronger, happier, safer and more comfortable in my own skin than I have ever been. My children have witnessed this growth and change in me and admitted that watching me go through this process has brought them so much peace. They’ve seen me find confidence, joy, happiness and we’ve connected on a whole different level. I didn’t change my life out of anger, resentment or spite. I changed my life out of love and acceptance of myself. I have the power to create my own happiness and fear no longer has power over me.

By Phoenix Reborn

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