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About 13 years into my relationship with Sebastian I had reached a point where I couldn’t hear a song or be alone with my thoughts. Everything seemed to remind me of my horrible pain and while everyone else was bobbing their heads I was bawling my eyes out. I couldn’t focus, I couldn’t enjoy anything. My children laughing didn’t bring me any peace. Seeing their happy faces just made me feel like I had failed them. How could I give them a father that was unconcerned with their safety and happiness? How could I raise them in a house of betrayal, anguish and lies? Why was I still here? Whenever I thought about leaving this fear came over me. Where will we live? Will he fight me for custody? How will I pay for things? Will the kids hate me for breaking up their family? Kids need two parents, and when parents stay together it’s much better for the children, right? We did love each other. There were good moments. If it wasn’t for the cheating, we’d have a great relationship.

When Sebastian was caught, he would beg for mercy. “I love you. I want our family. I don’t know why I do this. There’s something wrong with me. Please don’t leave me. Please don’t break up our family. I’ll be better. I only want you. I love the life we’ve built.” I would cry and rage and he would beg and we’d eventually make up. Things would be great for a few weeks, he’d be attentive and the effort would be so obvious. Then we’d settle into our routines. Before I knew it, he was distant again. It would be subtle at first. A few days with longer hours, his company was so busy after all. A few phone calls or text messages gone unanswered for a few hours. Then he’d start being more and more critical of everything. “Is this what’s for dinner? Why do you have to decorate with so many pictures? You never do the laundry right, all my shirts have shrunk. Are you letting the boys stay up and watch tv? Do you want them to create bad habits?” These all hit me hard. Here I was trying to just hold everything together and he has the nerve to tell me that I’m doing it wrong? He wasn’t even here half the time, what did he know?

A thought that I couldn’t continue like this started to creep in. What could I change? What was there? Family and friends weren’t helpful. They all just wanted me to leave, they didn’t understand why I wouldn’t. In fact, I lost some friends because I stayed. They couldn’t watch me do this to myself any more. I couldn’t blame them. I didn’t want to do this any more either. The what if’s kept me in place. So if I wasn’t going to leave, what was I to do? I knew someone out there had to have a way to help. There had to be others who had gone through this who could lead me to a better day. Those who had paved the way to guide me to the answers and peace that I desperately searched for. With no other ideas, I turned to Google. Google has the answers to everything, right?

I think I searched for something along the lines of “sex addict relationship help.” As I read all of the links and absorbed the offered help, I found S-Anon. Not being religious, I was worried that a 12-step group would only push religion on me as the answer for all that ails me, but I was willing to try anything. I emailed the local email and found out there as a meeting in my town, minutes from my house. There were no real reason not to try. I walked into the room on my first night and was greeted with warm smiles. I took a seat and once the readings began I thought to myself, “How did they know? Were they in my head? Watching me?” All of the readings, the shares from others sounded like my life. Finally, I had found a place that understood. There was no judgement, no comments of “You know what you should do?” They welcomed me, they had been where I was and yet they seemed ok. They weren’t merely holding it together but seemed genuinely ok, even happy. How? Had they all left their husbands?

No. Most of these people were still with their partners. They were in recovery and doing well. Oh, that’s all I wanted. I wanted to recover the feeling of joy and happiness. I wanted this monumental bolder on my chest to lift. I wanted to want to wake up in the morning. Every meeting allowed me more peace, more progress to becoming the person I wanted to be. Today I am more than I have ever been. I can do more than I’ve ever done. I have support, people who believe in me, a program that guides me through the difficult times and always shines a light where I need it most. I am so grateful for S-Anon and programs like it. It really saved my life.

If you or someone you know is suffering from the affects of someone else’s sex addiction please check out these websites.

S-Anon
Indiana Recovery
By Phoenix Reborn

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