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Returning from Vegas married flipped a switch in my head. I was going to be the best wife anyone had ever seen. I had no true examples of a successful marriage in my family, so the only reference I had was television and books. I thought a “good wife” was supposed to take care of the children, house, meals and do what she could to take burdens off of the husband. The week of our return we closed on our newly built house and took the keys. It was all coming together. We now had our brand new house, we were officially married, I was going to create the perfect home. I was very busy finding a new job, getting hand-me-down furniture from family and friends, painting, decorating, unpacking. My goal was to have everything done by the end of the month. That gave me about 1.5 weeks. Setting unreasonable expectations for myself, party of one.

I did find a job rather quickly, a small company on the Northside of town. It meant a decent amount of commute time but it paid well and would be a good fit for my skills. Every free moment I had was dedicated to putting the house in order. This meant that very quickly Sebastian and David felt ignored. They weren’t wrong, I didn’t have time to make them individually feel special and work, travel, clean, cook, decorate, landscape, etc. I mean, how do all of those perfect moms do it? The guilt came quickly. There must be something wrong with me. I’m so tired when I get home in the evening, I wasn’t a good cook yet but I was learning. By the time dinner was served and cleaned up, it was time to get David to bed. I sometimes fell asleep in his room during the bed time routine. This meant that Sebastian had to find me and tell me to go to bed, usually with a frustrated tone.

We were married about two months when Sebastian started complaining that since we got married I had changed. I wasn’t attentive, I fell asleep every night without considering his needs. I wasn’t as interested in sex. He needed to feel wanted and I was so busy focusing on everything else that he wasn’t feeling loved. These words infuriated me. What was I supposed to do? How can I get all of the things done, without any help, and still come to bed ready to have a night of passionate love making? He didn’t feel loved or taken care of? I had been busting my ass taking care of him. I had put this whole house together, made each room warm and welcoming. I was making home cooked meals every night with a perfectly set table. I had acquired all of the things we needed for each space and made sure that they were presented in the right way. I had spent hours painting, buying and hanging wall decore and finding the perfect rugs for the bathrooms so his feet weren’t cold in the morning. He didn’t feel loved???

What was this bullshit?

As I screamed all of these things at him, the tears started to flow. How could he say this to me? After all of my hard work? Sebastian simply laughed and said, “Those things were all for you. I don’t care about any of them.” My heart dropped. He didn’t care? Why wouldn’t he care? “You don’t want a nice house, good food?” I whispered, now dumbfounded. Sebastian wiped the tears from my face and said, “Of course I want a nice house, good food, clean clothes but I don’t care if the walls are painted, or decorated. I don’t care if you make sandwiches for dinner instead of roast. I just want to come home and have you show me that you love me. We’ve turned into an old married couple in less than a month and I don’t understand why you’re doing this to me. I need sex. I have to have sex at least three to four times a week, minimum. I mean, we’re young we should be doing it every day.” With those last words he laid back in bed and started scrolling through his phone. He clicked on the tv and quickly fell asleep. I laid there, staring at the ceiling for hours, quietly letting the tears stream down my face.

So he wanted all of the things that I was doing, but not the way that I was doing them. He didn’t offer to help with anything, so it was obvious that I needed to just adjust what I thought was good to what he thought was good. Ok, I’ll back off on learning new recipes, I can make some easier dinners. I had three rooms painted, so that was good for now. I’ll go out this weekend and buy some sexier sleeping garments so that he’ll know I still find him attractive and hope that he still finds me attractive. I can fix this. I can make him see how much I love him. I’ll try to be sexier. I’ll try to get it all done and not show the effort. As I get into a routine, I can clean, cook, work, raise a child, do the laundry, take care of the house, meet with friends and family and have sex every night. I can do that. I can do this. I’ll figure it out, I’ll find more energy. I had nightmares of coming home and finding Sebastian gone. My perfect white-picket-fence future, shattered in a blink of an eye. He’ll leave me if I don’t manage this. I can’t let him leave me. I can’t do this all by myself. I can’t…

By Phoenix Reborn

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