What Goes Around

After the Florida trip, things had changed. I found a new job but was constantly worried about every thing that I said and did. I’m sure it was my fault that I had given the wrong impression to my boss. I surely had made him feel like he had a chance. Sebastian reminded me constantly that I needed to be more careful with my words, my actions. I have a tendency to speak my mind with barely a filter, as that’s what comes naturally. This means that sometimes I may hurt your feelings, share something you didn’t want shared or flirt without meaning to. As Sebastian said, this is something that I needed to be more aware of. He didn’t like me telling our friends of the arguments and issues that we had, that was crossing a line.

The owner of the new company, Jack, was welcoming and fun. His wife was also in the office every day helping with the books and bringing around their children, it seemed safe enough. It had been two years now since Sebastian had been arrested and it felt like maybe it had never happened. I had been with the new graphics company about six months and we had all hung out socially on a number of occasions, so Jack felt like he knew Sebastian and was impressed with the progress I had made at work. When it came time to finally attend Sebastians sentencing hearing, we needed people to speak on behalf of his character. Jack volunteered. We came in suspecting the worst and the judge seemed ready to give it. I spoke about how Sebastian had been a wonderful husband and father, hadn’t been near the drugs since the arrest and how life was just simple now, normal. Sebastians mother attested to how she had seen a change in her son and how being married and having a family suited him. Calmed him.

Jack got on the stand and commented on how loving and supportive Sebastian was of my career. How any time that we spent together, as couples, he had never shown any interest in criminal behavior or how you would never know that he had a history with drugs. I appreciated this act of kindness so much, as he hadn’t known us long and was really going out of his way to do us a favor. The judge, after hearing our testimony, sat up in his seat and looked Sebastian up and down. “Well, I got up this morning trying to figure out where I was going to put you for the next two years. Your crimes were outrageous and arrogant for one so young. But I don’t think that your wife would have married you if you were still involved with drugs. I don’t think her boss would have testified on your behalf. Therefore, we’re going to compromise. For two years, I want you to spend one weekend a month in the county jail. You’ll check in Friday night and leave Sunday. This can be reduced to one year with good behavior. Then six years probation, with once a month check-ins with a probation officer. Hopefully this is enough to remind you of what you’ve done and what you could lose. Stay out of trouble.” With that, he slammed his gavel down and we were left not sure how we were supposed to feel.

In a daze we all walked out into the hallway. I was wildly relieved. No real jail time. One weekend a month, we could handle that. I spun around expecting Sebastian to be smiling and instead he had a sly smirk. Surprised, I ask him “Aren’t you relieved? One weekend a month is nothing. I thought you might not come home today. This is great. Isn’t it?” He slowly turned to me and with complete confidence said, “What an asshole. There was no reason to give me any jail time. He did that just to piss me off.” The three of us stood staring at him, our mouthes hanging open in shock. Was he serious? Could he be that arrogant?

When the first weekend came, the following month, he left straight from work and headed into the county jail. I received a call once a day, we would chit chat about what David and I had been up to you. The conversations were short and really didn’t consist of much substance. He was cold, tired and complained about how bored he was. The only thing to pass his time was playing cards, watching tv and sleeping. I was alone at the house. Feeling guilty about not being in jail and never made any plans. I just sat at home and waited for my phone call. A few months in, I started saying how David wasn’t really in the baby stage any longer and I missed having a baby around. Something to keep me busy. He wasn’t sure that it was the right time, could we afford it, did it make sense to have another child?

Sebastian wrote me more letters. Letters that spoke to how sorry he was, how bored he was. It was obvious that the time spent in jail allowed him to think about what he had done, what he didn’t want to do anymore. He loved me, he wanted a life, a home and he wanted it with me. In these letters he expressed that if another child is what I wanted, then he was on board. He wrote this letter about two weeks before his 23rd birthday. The night of his birthday, I took a pregnancy test. It was positive. I walked out of the bathroom, handing him the test and sang “Happy Birthday.” Sebastian stared at the test, sat on the bed and just sighed. “This is what we wanted, right?” I said sitting next to him. “You just wrote me saying that this was the next step in our lives.” I took his hand. He handed me back the test, walked to the other side of the bed and laid down. “Yes, this is what I said was the next step.” There was no celebration, no hugs or kisses, just acceptance. I laid there all night, staring at the ceiling, this would help us grow closer. This would change his view of me. I would be the mother of his child, the one who held his heart and his son. He would see that I wanted no one but him. I fantasized that he would see my growing belly and a bond would form between us. This would help us, it had to.