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This is the most important thing a person can ask themselves. As a mother, I wondered “What kind of parent will I be?” Of course I assumed that I’d never make any of the same mistakes that my parents made, I’d listen, I’d show affection, I’d always be there and would never, NEVER be with someone who would hurt them. Of course, all of those things would be a perfect parent and I don’t know any of those.

We all screw up our kids somehow. We show too much affection and don’t discipline. We discipline too much and then they’re scared of us. We give them everything we never had and then they’re spoiled. We choose people to be in their lives that we hope will love them as much as we do. Well, you can’t predict the future folks. Despite my best wishes, hopes and dreams I couldn’t save them from the one person I should have been able to trust the most with their well-being. He may not have hurt them physically, but mentally and emotionally we have all suffered, including my sex addict.

Now I know that my children will have to grow up fighting their natural instincts because they’re genetically prone to have addictive personalities. They’ve not witnessed a healthy, loving, trusting relationship and therefore will not naturally know how to build one. They will have to work hard on themselves to not fall into the same pits that their parents did. This awareness comes with an immense sense of guilt and failure, as a parent, to have them be so young and already in so much trouble. I will carry that every day, for the rest of my life.

What I know now is that I can forgive myself for past mistakes. I was doing the best I could at the time, I know that. I could not know what we would experience. I shielded my children the best I could, but in the end talking to them about the unhealthiness in their home was the best thing I could do. This has allowed me to get them the help and guidance they need to learn good coping skills, recognize healthy choices and behavior and trust that asking for help is not only okay but needed by everyone at some point.

I first had to admit that I needed help. I had to find help. I read books, listened to podcasts, joined website forums and blogs to learn about the disease of sex addiction. This helped me to understand what my boys were up against and how I could help guide them not enable them. Today, they have all been in counseling, taken anti-depressants when needed and can have open communication with me on any topic. They can trust that I will be as honest as I can be, no matter what they ask. Honesty, transparency is how you build trust in a relationship. Shielding someone you love from the truth only feels like betrayal.

I would also suggest a program where the children, once of an appropriate age, can speak with and gather with other children who have also grown up with sex addiction in their lives. One program I am familiar with is S-Ateen. A program for children 12-19 years old who can meet, under supervision, to share how they deal with certain situations or feelings. Knowing that finding my program and home group changed my life and gave me a safe place to say anything is an experience I would recommend to anyone, but especially my children.

For more information on S-Ateen, visit www.sanon.org

By Phoenix Reborn

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