Posted on

If I’m being honest, Sebastian disappeared a lot, all of the time but it became seriously apparent once I was pregnant. Yes, he was gone once a month for his jail time, and he worked full time. Then he started going to school, nursing school. That’s right, Sebastian suddenly decided that he was going to try and be a nurse, with a drug felony. They make good money, he kept saying. So now, on top of everything else he had classes. Some of them were online and some in-person. The thing is, he never seemed to have a class that ended early. They always ran late and he’d walk in around 2 a.m. like it was no big deal. I would text and call him only to be accosted later because I was interrupting him “in class.” I would sit up for hours, waiting on him to call or to come home. Always with this pit in my stomach about what he was really doing.

There were many times that I sat by our bedroom window, which faced the front of our house, hoping every time that I heard a car or saw lights that it was him. Once he would finally pull into the driveway, I would run to the bed and pretend to be asleep so I didn’t look like a crazy person. I would “wake up” and ask him why he was so late. “Oh, the class ran late, then a few of us got dinner after class. Sorry if I kept you up.” Then he’d take a shower and come to bed, holding me close and instantly falling asleep like he didn’t have a care in the world. After this routine went on for a few months he started discovering me, on the bathroom floor, sobbing when he came home. “What’s wrong?” he’d ask in shock. “You’re never here. You don’t want us. You make excuses to not be home. I need you here, this baby needs you here. What’s going to happen when the baby comes? I can’t do this by myself. I love you so much and you just don’t give a shit.” I screamed, I cried, I glared accusingly. Sebastian would drop to his knees and wrap his arms around me. “You’re right.” he’d say, “I need to be here more. I do love you and I want to be better.”

This statement would give me hope and for the next week or so it would be great. He was attentive, home on time, loving and seemed to really want to be there with David and I. Sebastian would lay his head on my stomach and watch in amazement as the little body inside wiggled, causing his head to bob up and down. We’d laugh and I’d be at peace. Then, like flicking a light switch, he’d be gone again. It was a cycle that went on and on. Then came in the community service time. Not only was he working, going to school, spending a weekend in jail but he was now also spending at least one weekend a month at community service. He had chosen Habitat for Humanity. This put him working outside, on a job site, with little contact for hours. The more he ignored my pleas the more desperate I got for attention. David, who was only three at the time, was my only source of comfort and love. We spent countless hours playing, walking and snuggling. David was fascinated at the idea of having a little baby brother and couldn’t wait for him to arrive. Sebastian, saw the sonograms, came with me to two appointments and otherwise seemed to be dreading the arrival of this small miracle.

At one of my last check ups before delivery, the doctor came in and sat down. “Your screening test results came back, these are always routine and we do them two-three times during each pregnancy. You’re first two screenings came back clean but this one didn’t. You have chlamydia.” The doctor said this part very slowly, while looking me straight in the eyes. I didn’t understand, how could I catch chlamydia suddenly? I had it once when I was a teenager, can it lie in wait? I asked the doctor this, she said very clearly no. “Do you understand what I’m saying to you? You can’t have two clean screenings and one positive without someone passing this on to you in between tests. Do you understand?” She said this last part while lying a hand on my shoulder. I kept my composure, sat up straight and said, “Yes I understand. Thank you.” I walked out of the office in a fog. As soon as I got into my car, I called Sebastian. I told him exactly what the doctor had said. “Do you have any idea how humiliating it is to have your doctor inform you that your husband is cheating on you? To have to find out in there, alone? Not only have you passed this on to me but you’ve put our son in danger. He could catch this during delivery and there’s nothing they can do until afterwards. What the hell is wrong with you?” I screamed this through tears. How could he do this? While I sat around waiting on him, he’s having the time of his life, catching STD’s and passing them on with no concerns. I was pregnant.

Sebastian passionately denied these allegations. I had it before, it must be my fault. It must have not been cured the first time, years ago, and the pregnancy woke it up. It couldn’t have been from him, he hadn’t cheated on me. If anything, he’s lucky that he hasn’t caught it. The doctor didn’t know what she was talking about. He’d look it up on the internet and prove to me that it’s possible for it to come and go without catching it again. For now, I needed to come home so we could talk it out. He didn’t want me sitting in the parking lot upset and alone. What could I do? I calmed myself down and drove home. Once there, he held me constantly repeating that everything will be ok, the baby will be fine. He’s heard of this happening and I shouldn’t worry. Don’t get so upset, it’s not good for the baby. Everything is going to be fine. I wanted so desperately to believe that, to believe the obvious lies so that it wasn’t true. He loves me, us, he couldn’t be capable of this. He couldn’t do this to us. I’m sure he was right.

He didn’t come home until at least 4 a.m. for the next three weeks, every night, until it was time for the baby to be born. Our son was induced, after a very difficult pregnancy with multiple visits to the hospital for dehydration, stress and early labor scares. Sebastian was with me in the hospital without really being with me. He brought his computer because he had “school work.” Mostly, he was in the room but doing his own thing until it was time for the big show. There was no support, no worry, no soon to be dad running around for ice chips. Just a silent separation. Once they announced that it was time to push, he hopped up and performed his fatherly duties. Once holding his new son, he seemed in awe, without a single glance my way. I was merely the vessel, now my job was done and he had this new piece of himself. I hoped that he would finally feel whole, feel content and loved the way I did when I was with my children. I hoped that this would calm him, motivate him to want to come home. I hoped that this new perfect small human would turn him into a different person. A better person. I hoped.

35 Replies to “I can’t make you love me”

  1. I blog quite often and I truly thank you for your information. This article has truly peaked my interest. I will take a note of your blog and keep checking for new information about once per week. I opted in for your RSS feed too. Dyana Irv Seigler

  2. You made some decent points there. I checked on the web to learn more about the issue and found most people will go along with your views on this site. Goldina Zebedee Myrle

  3. Asking questions are genuinely pleasant thing if you are not understanding anything completely, except this post offers pleasant understanding yet.| Kaitlin Bobbie Carmelina

  4. Thank you for the good writeup. It in fact was a amusement account it. Look advanced to more added agreeable from you! However, how could we communicate? Bendite Roderich Jueta

  5. I was more than happy to seek out this net-site. I wanted to thanks for your time for this excellent learn!! I undoubtedly having fun with each little little bit of it and I have you bookmarked to check out new stuff you blog post. Sileas Lazaro Georas

  6. This is an example of a nested threaded comment which is new in WordPress 2.7. This is where you can reply to a comment that was previously made, and visually makes reading comments to much easier. Vina Herbie Blaine

  7. The subsequent time I read a weblog, I hope that it doesnt disappoint me as a lot as this one. I mean, I know it was my choice to read, however I truly thought youd have something fascinating to say. All I hear is a bunch of whining about one thing that you could fix if you happen to werent too busy on the lookout for attention. Livvy Ferdinand Walburga

  8. New Jersey has always been his living place but noweven soexactly howthese daysbut these daysacquiregreathowever, nownowadaysand this timeand thenneverthelessexcellent he is considering other optionsother availablelikewiseinnovativechoicesyou canwireless connectionscouldgreat features includeother newpossibilitiesother available choicesadditional. Hermina Sergent Tersina

  9. Online casinos, also called virtual casino or online casino are an internet version of traditional casinos. Anthiathia Towney Donielle

  10. If you want to get a great deal from this article then you have to apply such techniques to your won website. Vivianna Ky Beach Cathrin Everard Adamik

  11. Hello, I desire to subscribe for this website to obtain newest updates, therefore where can i do it please help out. Ashien Jose Sholes

  12. Hey! This post could not be written any better! Reading through this post reminds me of my good old room mate! He always kept chatting about this. I will forward this write-up to him. Fairly certain he will have a good read. Many thanks for sharing! Galina Sterling Dimitris

  13. Everything is very open with a clear explanation of the issues. It was definitely informative. Your website is very useful. Many thanks for sharing. Filia Kendrick Teriann

  14. There is noticeably a lot of money to comprehend this. I suppose you made particular nice points in functions also. Erinna Ambrosi Dannica

  15. Excellent blog here! Also your site loads up very fast! What web host are you using? Can I get your affiliate link to your host? I wish my website loaded up as quickly as yours lol Marcelia Hewe Kacie

  16. I was looking through some of your blog posts on this internet site and I conceive this web site is rattling informative ! Keep on posting . adeafbgdfdaf Rosmunda Ari Burra

  17. Halloumi caerphilly cheese slices. Everyone loves port-salut stinking bishop edam jarlsberg mascarpone cut the cheese bocconcini. Emmental caerphilly hard cheese parmesan cauliflower cheese lancashire cheesy feet cheese strings. Faith Malvin Pooley

  18. Asking questions are in fact fastidious thing if you are not understanding anything fully, however this piece of writing provides fastidious understanding yet. Elsa Thaxter Beera

  19. Have you ever considered about including a little bit more than just your articles?
    I mean, what you say is important and all. However think of if you added some great images or videos
    to give your posts more, “pop”! Your content is excellent but with images and video clips, this website could
    certainly be one of the best in its field.
    Superb blog!

  20. Spot on with this write-up, I absolutely believe this web site needs much
    more attention. I’ll probably be back again to see more, thanks for the info!

Comments are closed.