Over-responsibility

What am I responsible for? Really. That’s a huge question. My mom response wants to say, everything. My daughter/sister response wants to say, everyone. My partner response wants to say, his happiness. My response is, me.

I am constantly assigning myself so much over-responsibility, way more than I could ever handle. This allows me to feel overwhelmed, drowning in my own assignments. Then I can play the victim, blaming everyone else for putting it all on me. What’s funny about that is that very rarely has anyone asked me to do these things. I would give my opinions to everyone about how they should live their lives and then feel responsible when they didn’t listen to me and “it all went wrong.” I would automatically assume that I was the only one capable of cleaning, cooking, running errands, plan for family gatherings and keeping everyone happy and together. This also allows me to complain about being the only one who does these things. Why does no one offer to help? Why am I the only one who sees this thing that need cleaned up, or calls about family events, or offers to bring things, etc.

Sebastians response was always, “No one asked you to do this. Why do you have to?” Oh this would make me so mad. How dare he? If I didn’t do it, who was going to do it? Why should I have to wait for others to see things that were so obvious to me? Why did it take so long? Why did I have to sit around and be uncomfortable while others didn’t care how bad things got? Well, I don’t. I have choices. I can choose to ask for assistance and allow them the dignity of doing it in their own time. Just because I say, “Hey can you put the dishes away?” doesn’t mean that it needs to happen right this moment. It can happen any time today and that’s ok. I don’t have to do anything. I choose to do it. I can also choose to ask for help. I can not expect anyone to just “know” that me running around the kitchen like a maniac means that I need help.

Thinking about doing these things, I expected my anxiety to go through the roof, but it didn’t. I was able to ask and then let go of the timeline. I requested of my family, “Hey, if I cook dinner do you think you guys can clean it up?” and they said “Yes! Of course.” So now, that’s a rule in our house. If you cook it, you don’t have to clean it. Which has led to some wanting to cook so they don’t have to clean, another win! I am also able to appreciate time spent with my family more because I’m not focused on the “have to’s” all of the time. My mother spent most of my childhood constantly busy to the point where there was no time for us. No time to play, no time to talk unless you followed her around during her chores. I don’t want that memory for my children. I want them to remember me dropping everything to spend time with them, even for a few minutes, because what I was doing will wait.

Once I stopped arranging family gatherings, they didn’t stop. Others stepped up and began to reach out. Now, a few years later, we take turns. Other people started automatically taking on more responsibility because I didn’t rush in and do it myself. They started doing things for themselves and each other that I thought I had to do for them. Their personalities started to shine in ways that I had never seen before because I allowed them the space to do so. My way isn’t the right way, not the only way. I can allow others the ability and dignity of their choices and enjoy it that much more.

I can also let myself off the hook by not constantly putting pressure on me to be, provide and do the perfect thing all of the time. I don’t have to have a spotless house to be a good mother. I don’t have to have every appetizer, drink and decoration to have my friends or family over. Hell, I don’t even have to get dressed sometimes. The people who care about me don’t care about how well I did my make-up, or wore any at all. The love me, just as I am. In fact, they may love me more once I stop over doing everything. I have opened myself up to new and better relationships with people by no longer over-responsibility everything in my life. So let it go, let your hair down, let your dishes sit in the sink, it’s ok. It is ok.