Manipulation or Sincerity?

Yesterday was my birthday. I’m officially in my late 30’s, yuck. At this point I have zero expectations for my birthday that I do not plan for myself. Due to everything that’s happened lately with the last huge discovery and Sebastian moving out, I planned a girl’s trip. We all took Friday off and headed north to hit lake Michigan. It was a fantastic trip to which I’ll create a separate post for.

When I returned Sunday evening, I did come home to clean dishes, somewhat of a picked up house and even had a little time to myself before he dropped the kids off. I have to admit, that was nice. Monday was my official 37th and I spent the day cleaning carpets, weeding the garden and doing some general upkeep. London and I even watched a movie and had afternoon tea!

I made my favorite meal for dinner, scrolled through my social media posts and thanked everyone for their birthday wishes. David, my oldest, even came up for dinner and brought me an ice cream cake which is my favorite. All in all, my kind of birthday. I had zero expectations of Sebastian doing anything. Honestly, I was surprised to even hear a happy birthday from him in the morning. I figured that was it, I’ll acknowledge that he remembered and move on with my day.

You see addicts are always so tied up in whatever their plans are that they forget these kinds of things. When a calendar reminder or Facebook post clues them in about the day, they suddenly want to make sure that you know they remembered, even though they didn’t. So it’s usually a dinner out, here’s your card (maybe) and aren’t you thankful I did this for you kind of look at the end of the day. Since moving out, Sebastian has increased his attention in certain areas while being totally unaware of what he should actually be paying attention to. Pretty typical.

He randomly texts me at 7:30 p.m. and asks if he can “swing by really quick.” Figuring he needed to pick something up I said sure since I’m not a man hating bitch that can’t allow a simple request. We were getting ready to eat my favorite meal (homemade Salisbury steak) and he walks in with a huge grin on his face, flowers and a handful of my favorite candy. He presents me with a birthday card and signs it “with humility and love.” Frustrated by this invasion of privacy just to “show off”, I said thank you they’re beautiful and put it all away. We discussed some details about the week with the boys and he left looking disappointed.

This morning, I find myself wondering “when is it sincere and when is it manipulation?” Was he trying to sincerely show me that he cared by giving me a birthday present, or was it total manipulation to make me feel like he cared? Making my coffee and sitting down to write this I decided that the entire move was an afterthought. He didn’t buy me a present, he stopped by the store after his therapy group (which is probably when they asked what he did for me) and swung by the house to present me this amazing gift. HA! Does he want a cookie for all of his effort?

A real present, a thoughtful present is planned. What I would have actually appreciated, and know that I’ll never receive, is that if he had taken the boys, who he had all weekend, and helped them pick me something out. That gift could have easily been flowers and my favorite candy, just like I received, but it would have been thoughtful and not a last minute panic. He’s still only worried about himself. Still only seeing the tip of his nose and nothing further. This my friends was total manipulation and don’t you fall for it! He was never good at anniversaries or birthdays because to really hit it out of the park you have to be willing to listen and see what your partner wants or needs. This past anniversary his girlfriend had to remind him to get his wife (yeah me) some flowers. How f’ed up is that?

So for today, I’ll keep the flowers and the candy but I’ll give it as much thought as he did. This manipulation attempt didn’t work and I will sleep soundly knowing that I held strong and didn’t fall into the trap of “oh he must care at least a little since he brought me a present” kind of old thinking. I’m better than that.